They Fill My Heart

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The above pics are of my nephews and nieces.  They fill my heart, they bring so much joy and it is my amazing honor to be a part of their life and contribute to how they are shaped as the little people that they are.  Along with God’s continued work on me, these amazing kids have changed me in so many ways…

Since I recently shared a pretty raw glimpse at the adventure Amber and I are in the midst of, I felt it prudent to continue to periodically share where our hearts are at, what God is doing in and amidst us patiently, or often impatiently, waiting on Him to give us the joy of a child, and continue to attempt to bridge that gap of understanding I am sure a lot of other couples are experiencing out there who are struggling with infertility or questioning the option of adoption.

I’m often forced by God, albeit gently, to rework my perspective of my circumstances.  He’s really done a number on me, breaking me of faulty ways of thinking, which is something He gets to continue to do for years to come (did you know a lot of what we think is contrary to what God thinks??  Weird).  When we started down this “Rocky Road to Conception”, my immediate reactions were ones of anger, self-pity, and even arrogance that our problems were so much bigger and more important than what others were experiencing.  I retreated to my internal space which was void of vulnerability and the ability to live presently, and full of bitterness at people surrounding us who could seemingly get pregnant by just looking at their spouse.  Now don’t get me wrong, I celebrate the children of our friends and rejoice in the fact that they don’t have to experience what Amber and I are experiencing.  My bitterness comes from my wrestling with God and my anger with His choosing to allow this season for us (yep, you heard right, I get angry with God).

I’m grateful that I believe in a God who is big enough to handle my infantile pissing and moaning, because essentially that is what it is.  He allows my tantrums to pass, my foot stomping to subside, and then once that is all over it seems His gentle hand reaches out to pull me up from my fall.  And this is where I have seen God use my nephews and nieces to transform my perspective.  For too long I believe I took advantage of the fact that I have 4 incredible kids to invest in and be present with.  They look to me as their “fun Uncle Steve”, but more than that I have the opportunity to validate them, encourage them, and reinforce the gifts God has given them.

I am confident now that regardless of how the timing may work out for Amber and I to have our own kid(s), I am right where God wants me in this very moment…to have margin to love on the other kids that are in my life.  I’m gifted to love on kids, so rather than live from a place of bitterness at not having my own to love on yet, I’m choosing to love on the ones that are in front of me right now.

Thanks for listening.

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